How to Deal with Envy

I know you know the feeling: you’re scrolling through someone’s Facebook feed, or reading an upcoming concert announcement, and there it is-  someone else playing that awesome gig you really wanted, someone else teaching that workshop you used to do, someone else forming a group you really wish you’ belonged to, someone else breaking in an instrument you’d sacrifice a decent chunk of your future cheese-eating to get your hands on.

Ah, someone else. We all know someone else, because someone else is a fixture. Someone else is multi-talented.  Someone else knows everyone, and can do everything. Someone else will always, always be traveling alongside us on the road.

Because the arts are a competitive field, other people’s successes can, at times, feel like personal failures.  Why not me? I might ask, when I see someone else snag that terrific job.  What’s wrong with me?

As musicians, I think more of us struggle with professional envy than we let on.  Envy is not attractive, and it is not something other people want to be around.  And so most of us simply stew in it silently, or try, with varying success, to crush it.

So here’s my call for change.  Let’s talk about envy. Because guess what?  Like everything else we do in music, we can get better at managing envy with the aid of our hero, deliberate practice!

Next time you catch yourself mired in envy, try coming up with a response, a script or routine you can practice running through every time unhelpful, envious thoughts bubble up. 

If you’re thinking: I really wanted that.....

Try: I’m grateful for...  For every person you envy, there is probably someone who envies you.  I may not have gotten X gig, but I did get Y.  I may not get to do Z, but A was pretty amazing while it lasted.  Any time you become fixated on what you don’t have, take the time to run through a list of the things you do have.

If you’re thinking: She’s so better much than I am….

Try: What can I learn?  Envying someone’s skills can be incredibly motivating.   What is it about X’s playing that you love, and how can you improve your skills in that area? What makes Y such a terrific teacher, and what can you do to be more like her?

If you’re thinking: That’s not fair….or, What’s wrong with me…. 

Try: Do the work. You’re making music because, at some level, you love the work, the actual process of doing what you do. I play because I love the work.  I teach because I love the work. When I can focus myself on the labor itself, as opposed to its fruits, I am stronger and more grateful.

I’m still practicing- and I hope you will, too.