Perhaps it is a side effect of parenting two small and intermittently obstreperous beings, but lately my teaching metaphors skew toddler.  Make a face like a fish!  Spit! Blow through the notes like you’re pushing spaghetti through cheerios!

Hopefully my students will wait me out until I can get back to rivers and pearls.

But there’s one facet of music-making in which thinking like a parent pays immediate and powerful dividends. And that’s dealing with your inner critic.

Most of you have met your inner critic. I sure have. It’s that insidious, interior voice that whispers to you while you’re playing.  It says “oh, hey, you’re about to mess up.”  Or, “geez, you sound terrible.”  “You’re never going to get this.” “Why are you even bothering.”  “Failed again!”

But here’s the thing: Your inner critic is basically a three-year-old.  However savvy it is about your vulnerabilities, however fulsome its vituperative vocabulary, it responds to the same techniques that work on small children.  And knowing that, you may already have the tools you need to keep your inner from running amok:

Set up for success:

Teachers and parents know to set up a kid’s environment to facilitate good behavior. You don’t leave your Ming vase lying around if you don’t want it smashed. You don’t put out a candy bowl if you don’t want to fight over Kit Kats.  If you want your inner critic to behave, set yourself up for success by making sure you’ve practiced adequately and in a variety of contexts.

Give it a job:

Kids make trouble when they have nothing to do.  But if you give a kid meaningful, engaging work, chances are they’ll be too busy to misbehave.  Your inner critic is the same way.  Your conscious mind can really only deal with one thing at a time, so if you can occupy it with specific job, it can’t start to make trouble. Try listening to the bass line as you play, concentrating on tone, or keying in on the feeling of relaxation in your fingers.  This is probably the technique that is most useful for me personally.

Speak slowly, clearly, and positively:

Little kids do best when you give them a brief, specific instruction that’s positively phrased. Your inner critic is the same way. If you feel your inner critic start to kick in and want to stop it, try a simple rejoinder like “enough.”

Ignore, ignore, ignore:

You may not be able to control what your three-year-old does or what your inner critic says to you.  But you can definitely control your reaction. If you pitch a fit when your three-year-old draws on the wall to get your attention, he’ll probably repeat the action. Similarly, if you have a big physical or verbal reaction every time you make a mistake (UGGGGGHHHH! GOD!!! WHY?!?), you’re reinforcing the idea that mistakes are a big, scary, awful deal.  If you keep calmly moving past them, they lose their power.

Don’t take it personally

I once asked a successful pre-school teacher what her secret was.  “I don’t take anything they do personally,” she said. This is a useful tack to take your inner critic, too. Your inner critic is not your fault, nor is its presence a reflection on your worth as a person or a musician.

It’s a marathon, not a sprint

This is what we parents tell ourselves when the floor is covered with spaghetti sauce and two children are screaming to get on our laps at the same time.  No single pasta disaster or practice session or performance is the be all and end all.  Whatever happens in the moment, pick yourself up and keep on playing.